Ok I just want to tell Brianna Patlow your a jerk. I have been telling Kandi no shopping not until the we get a positive pregnancy test. Because with her looking leads to putiting things in carts which leads to buying which leads to more buying lol. Well yesterday Brianna says hey you need to look at this site they are having a killer sale. So I reluctantly went to the site she was right they were having a killer sale and I put $30.00 worth of stuff in my cart now I didn't buy because I was told if I buy she gets to. Now I want to shop Jerk (Brianna) lol.
Today I got the news that our paperwork was getting started. I can't believe we are one step closer to getting this journey underway. Part of me wants to jump out of my skin and scream with excitement but the other half knows the pain of being let down so I guess I am being reserved until we actually start. I have started looking at different things and wondering how I would handle them when asked by our child. I know that is so far down the road but I still think about it. I know Kandi is jumping and I don't want anyone to think that I am not equally as happy because I am I just waiting a bit. I can't believe that my amazing wife and I might have a family here in months. I can't believe that I will get to raise a child with this wonderful amazing women. I believe we will raise one hell of a kid with a great personality. I can't wait for us to be parents I really can't. I can't wait to hold our baby in my arms and no that no one can take him/her away from me that we are bonded for life. I can't wait to teach them the importance of family and how loved they are by us and that they can do anything they set their minds to. As much as I am going to enjoy seeing who they turn out to be I will cherish all the little moments along the way to them getting there.
I haven't said much to Joy straight on only through Kandi since they talk a lot more. But Joy I don't even know how to begin to tell you how much this means to me. Ever since I was a kid I wanted to me a mom. I dreamed about it talked with my sisters about it my friends and we even came up with the names we would name them. I had a really hard life with abuse and I always swore that when I had a child that child would never know one single ounce of the pain I felt and that their life would be showered with love, support, guidance, and whatever they needed at no time would they feel alone. When I discovered I was gay I didn't know if I would ever get the dream of mother hood since I knew it would be harder to achieve. I also thought that I would have to be married with a partner in order to even consider that option. After several failed relationships I decided to go it alone and tried to get pregnant both times ending in miscarriage. That is devastating and I didn't know how I would get through it but I did with time. My PTSD requires me to be on a ton of meds that I would have to come off of if I were to try to get pregnant again. Which we are both scared about. After the last miscarriage my cycle has been off they tell me that I can carry but I don't think I am even ovulating. Each time Kandi and I tried or had to go to Medford to the DR our journey over would be full of excitement and talk of baby and our dreams and each time on our way back would be tears and sadness. I hated not being able to help or do something to make Kandi feel better. We started to think of life without a child and that is when we put out our last plea to help us and that is when you came along and made our lives turn upside down. It takes a special kind of person that is willing to give us a gift of life a gift without them would not be attainable a dream that would just be a dream. I have been let down and hurt so many times by people I tend to lose faith in humanity at times. but this, this not only restores my faith but it is going to allow me to realize my dream of being a mom. Now I know there are no guarantees but at least I once again have hope. I don't know how we can ever repay you for this but I want you to know that I love you with all my soul for going on this journey with us. You are special and all I can say is Thank you.
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