Adoption option

We are now officially looking at several options: adoption and biological surrogacy are a couple of options. Adoption of an infant is very expensive! Paying agency fees alone can be more than $10k. We are putting out there to everyone we know that we want to adopt a baby or find someone that is willing to be a biological surrogate (that means the surrogate is artificially inseminated with donor sperm so the child(ren) are biologically hers.) I figure that someone has to know someone that might know someone...7 degrees of separation, right? I have been researching adoption of older children but for me, that is less desirable. I want the infant experience. I want to see them go through all their milestones and I want them to be completely bonded with us from the beginning because we are the only mom's they know. Does that sound selfish? or crazy? Today was a very rough day for me and I'm not sure why. I was very emotional. I have a friend at work that wants to have another child and she is talking about it a lot lately. It's not that I don't want her to talk about it...it just sometimes makes me feel like the knife is being driven further in. I know she doesn't do it on purpose and it isn't her fault how I feel. It's almost like "well, I can have kids and I'm going to choose to have another because I can" that's how I feel, not how she makes me feel or how she is trying to make me feel. I am having a hard time seeing all of our friends on FB with pics of their kids, or their pregnant bellies, or their newborn. It is really a jealousy issue I'm sure and I don't know how to not be bitter at this point. I don't know how women can do this for years. Maybe it's different as a straight couple because it's just free sex (I was going to say fun but I know that it probably becomes a chore after awhile.) I am amazed at how hard it is to find out about independent adoptions. You know, finding an expectant mother on our own that would choose us to raise her child. Google has been of little help and keeps leading me to private agencies with their huge fees...*sigh* Shorty says there is a plan for us but i'm not sure I like this plan. I'm the planner in this family and this isn't what I planned.

Done...

I'm sorry I haven't posted an update. We got a BFN again this month. We have decided not to continue trying. It is too emotionally draining, not to mention the fact that we could spend another $10,000 and still not have a baby. We are now looking into adoption and possibly surrogacy or embryo adoption, any other option we can find that we can afford and will be more likely to help us grow our family. I am ok with this decision. I have come to terms and now I just want to get on with whatever process we decide to pursue. Thank you to everyone that has left a comment or words of encouragement. I will certainly continue to blog about our progress but it may be few and far between so don't get discouraged if you haven't heard from us!

not pregnant...again

the HPT this morning was negative, again. I think I am done trying. The conditions were as perfect as they have been so if I can't conceive under those conditions, then I think it is a waste of money to keep trying. I am going to have to just accept the fact that I will never know what it feels like to feel the baby kick, or to see the first ultrasound. mother nature is cruel