Adoption option

We are now officially looking at several options: adoption and biological surrogacy are a couple of options. Adoption of an infant is very expensive! Paying agency fees alone can be more than $10k. We are putting out there to everyone we know that we want to adopt a baby or find someone that is willing to be a biological surrogate (that means the surrogate is artificially inseminated with donor sperm so the child(ren) are biologically hers.) I figure that someone has to know someone that might know someone...7 degrees of separation, right? I have been researching adoption of older children but for me, that is less desirable. I want the infant experience. I want to see them go through all their milestones and I want them to be completely bonded with us from the beginning because we are the only mom's they know. Does that sound selfish? or crazy? Today was a very rough day for me and I'm not sure why. I was very emotional. I have a friend at work that wants to have another child and she is talking about it a lot lately. It's not that I don't want her to talk about it...it just sometimes makes me feel like the knife is being driven further in. I know she doesn't do it on purpose and it isn't her fault how I feel. It's almost like "well, I can have kids and I'm going to choose to have another because I can" that's how I feel, not how she makes me feel or how she is trying to make me feel. I am having a hard time seeing all of our friends on FB with pics of their kids, or their pregnant bellies, or their newborn. It is really a jealousy issue I'm sure and I don't know how to not be bitter at this point. I don't know how women can do this for years. Maybe it's different as a straight couple because it's just free sex (I was going to say fun but I know that it probably becomes a chore after awhile.) I am amazed at how hard it is to find out about independent adoptions. You know, finding an expectant mother on our own that would choose us to raise her child. Google has been of little help and keeps leading me to private agencies with their huge fees...*sigh* Shorty says there is a plan for us but i'm not sure I like this plan. I'm the planner in this family and this isn't what I planned.

Done...

I'm sorry I haven't posted an update. We got a BFN again this month. We have decided not to continue trying. It is too emotionally draining, not to mention the fact that we could spend another $10,000 and still not have a baby. We are now looking into adoption and possibly surrogacy or embryo adoption, any other option we can find that we can afford and will be more likely to help us grow our family. I am ok with this decision. I have come to terms and now I just want to get on with whatever process we decide to pursue. Thank you to everyone that has left a comment or words of encouragement. I will certainly continue to blog about our progress but it may be few and far between so don't get discouraged if you haven't heard from us!

not pregnant...again

the HPT this morning was negative, again. I think I am done trying. The conditions were as perfect as they have been so if I can't conceive under those conditions, then I think it is a waste of money to keep trying. I am going to have to just accept the fact that I will never know what it feels like to feel the baby kick, or to see the first ultrasound. mother nature is cruel

swimmers on board!

Ok, we had a great insemination today! I read somewhere that my lucky color today was red so I wore a red shirt, a bra with red in it and red undies...I went all out! lol We did the trigger shot Tuesday night around 9pm. On our way to the Dr today, around 9am, i swear I felt a crazy ovulation pain! that would be exactly 36 hours after the shot which is crazy. We inseminated 2.5 hours later which was perfect timing the Dr said. She had to grab my cervix again but it didn't hurt as much this time as last. We both feel good about it. I know, we have to feel good about it every month because if we didn't, why would we do it, right? Well somehow we both just feel better about it this time than the other times. I am very ready for a BFP +++ It seems that things this month are falling into place. Shorty finally got a decision on her 100% disability from the VA, and it was approved! With that, we got 19 months worth of backpay that helped to pay off pretty much everything. We also found our dream house...just waiting for things to fall off of her credit so we can get a pre-approval and make an offer. Fingers crossed that we have a new house for a new baby very soon!!!

Its a miracle

Omg...two months in a row we actually get to inseminate! The largest follicles yet. 31 on the left (even though we don't care about that) and 29 on the right! Trigger shot tonight and iui on thursday!

that was a short two weeks...

wow, I can't believe it has already been two weeks since we found out we were not pg. That means it is, in fact, time for another ultrasound for follicle check. headed to medford after class for some errands and a visit to the Dr. I am feeling bloated this month so I guess that means the clomid is working lol. lets just hope its working on the right side!

ultrasound # 110 (or something like that)

Tuesday afternoon we will once again be staring at a screen hoping to see some very big follicles formed in my RIGHT ovary. Trigger shot in the fridge, sperm should have arrived at the office today and I took 150 mg clomid per day this month....we are ready for this dangit!

not this month

today is day 30 and the test was negative. I guess I will stop the progesterone and wait for AF. :-( ugh to quote my dad, this sucks. Oh well, pick yourself up and start again, right? that's all you can do.

Still waiting

So, we tested early and had a negative test. We decided to just wait it out and see what happens. Today oz day 29 of my cycle, my usual start day is 28-30 so we will see what happens. If I haven't started tomorrow we are going to evaluate our next move...do we test at home thursday morning knowing that it should be pretty accurate by then, or do we go for a blood test for an absolute definitive? We will know by tomorrow night what to do and by thursday should know for sure whether we are going to be in a 9 month wait or another 2ww...

ok i gave in

I was feeling blech all day so when I came home for lunch, I POAS-it was negative :-( It could very well be too early. AF isn't due for anywhere from 2 days to 4 days not accounting for the lateness possibilities of the progesterone. If it is, in fact, still 4 days out, then yes it would quite possibly be too early. We will wait until Monday or Tuesday...maybe Wednesday, or maybe I will go for a blood test bc by this time it should be definitive. We shall see. For now, as much as I know it could still be positive I am feeling defeated, yet again, and I am tired of this feeling

it feels like xmas eve

This morning is day 3 of a headache. Yesterday during class it was so bad I thought I was going to have to leave, the lights were killing me and everytime I tried to look at the powerpoint it made it worse. I also feel very bloated today. It is a cruel joke that the side of effects of progesterone mimic the signs of pg! And that taking progesterone can actually delay your AF (mine isn't due yet so I'm not sure if it will delay mine or not!)

It is like xmas eve because I was very tempted this morning to POAS...very tempted! Its like wanting to open all the presents, but I didn't. Shorty said yesterday-well if you're going to waste one by doing it tomorrow then I will go ahead and pee on one lmao point taken dear, point taken!

I also understand that tomorrow mornings test may not be the definitive. Tomorrow is day 27 and I am usually (I am pretty clockwork when not on fert drugs) 28-30 days. I should be close enough to AF and far enough after the IUI (tomorrow is day 14). Fingers crossed! More news tomorrow!!

just a few more days

This morning, if I didn't know better, I would have been sure that I was about get AF. I had the exact cramps I have the first day of my cycle. But there was nothing, thank goodness! I am experiencing the indigestion again too. I have it pretty often but not usually all day long. Whether its pg symptoms or side effects of the progesterone, I can't wait for Sunday. I think I am actually being a little patient because I am so afraid of seeing a BFN again...excited to know but very scared!

is it Sunday yet?

Seriously, it isn't Sunday yet? lol Yesterday I was not feeling well all day, just kind of indigestion. Thought I was hungry but when I ate, it didn't help. Today, feeling better but still a little indigestion and starving. I am doing my best to NOT read into anything but does anyone actually succeed at that?

Less than a week...almost

So we are almost less than a week away from being able to do a HPT and find out if we are expecting! I have a feeling that day, Easter Sunday, the test will be negative, only because I think it might be too early to since my cycle isn't due to start until 4 or 5 days later...this means that our wait could be a bit longer. But who knows, maybe that will be our big Easter surprise, a nice BFP! I am still feeling a few different things than before. Still a little crampy and some twinges. Trying to ignore them and think they are just the progesterone lol

a little crampy...

So yesterday while doing the dishes I had a crazy sharp pain on my left side, like really sharp. Today I am feeling just generally crampy. I have never felt that before after IUI but I also have never done a trigger shot or progesterone either. I tried googling it and all I can find are forums about it, but no solid answers from a Dr. I am always a little crazy about "symptoms" but I know that the progesterone can cause pg like symptoms so I'm not putting much stock in those. The cramping, only 5 days past IUI seems weird...I will have to be patient (not my strong suit lol). 5 days down...9 days to go.

todays rant

Today is day 2 of the 2ww...I read on someone else's blog that maybe those of us that are trying to get pregnant should just get sedated for the 2ww, I think that is a great idea! I figured that the first week would fly by because it is my spring break from school and that always seems to go too quickly! And next week is the first week of the new term so that should fly by too...but these first two days (now on a vacation note I am not complaining, just complaining on a waiting to see if I'm pregnant note!) have seemed to drag. I wish that I actually was off this week, like from work and everything, but alas no lol.

I think the time is dragging because I know that this is our last try for awhile. Financially we are going to have to take a break. At around $900 a month, it drains you quickly. That doesn't even consider the expense after pregnancy...Shorty has to do a 2nd parent adoption even though her name will be on the birth certificate with mine. ok...that's enough of my rant for the day, I'm sure there will be a lot more to say about all that when we know for sure that we are expecting!

2 week wait...again

So today was a great day! We were able to finally able to inseminate again! I am, of course, being crazy and worried that the follicle on the right was really a follicular cyst (that means it won't actually spring the egg free) But with the trigger shot the Dr. today said that it is a good thing and the egg should release no problem. Either way, its basically impossible to tell the difference on an ultrasound anyway. Now....we wait and hope, that is all we can do. Shorty got to look at the little swimmers under the microscope and said they were olympic gold medalists!! Go little guys (and girls) go!!! Find your forever home! lol

Finally, some good news!!

We finally got some good news at the Dr today! The trip over in the wee morning, in the snow and ice, to the Dr's office was that 80 mile drive we hate. I think we usually hate the drive back even more because we have gotten news that we can't inseminate for the last several months.

Well today was different. We have a dominant follicle on the right side! yay! so tonight, in about 10 min actually, we will be doing a trigger shot to trigger ovulation. Then back to the Dr Sunday morning at 10am to do the insemination! The Dr is also starting me on progesterone the day after IUI to help encourage and sustain a pregnancy. I am more excited about the prospect this month than I have been in a long time!! it has been so heartbreaking and this month is finally a ray of sunshine through the clouds. I am hopeful again that we will become parents sooner than later!

skipped last month

so we skipped our cycle last month...our dear dog, Ruby, got really really sick and there was a real risk of losing her. We followed the advise of our doctor and skipped the cycle, knowing that it could have been on the right side but also knowing that the stress could really effect my ability to conceive.

we are, however, going ahead this month. I am on a higher dose of clomid to see if that will help induce more follicles. So...the plan is this: Friday we head to Medford again for an ultrasound to see which side the follicles are on (sending major vibes to my right ovary!) if, hopefully when, they are on the Right side then we will get instructions on when to do the trigger shot. I am not looking forward to this...Shorty is going to have to give it to me but she says that may cause a fight lol. Then, 24 or 36 hours after the shot (im not exactly sure of the timing but sometime on Sunday) we will go back to the doctor to do the IUI with hopes that with the trigger shot we aren't guessing about when i will ovulate and our timing will be perfect! phew...I promised Shorty that i am going to be working VERY VERY hard to not freak out if the follicles are on the left. She doesn't believe that i can do it lol but I am going to try. I think the month off really was good for me, both emotionally and physically. It got us out of the 2 week segment mentality and just gave me time to relax.

I have pretty much given in to the fact that there is a very real chance that I will never carry a child. I am sad about that but I think once we have a child, whether Shorty carries or we adopt, that feeling will go away. This, I think, is my last month of trying. Besides the expense the emotions are getting hard on me. When we have the money to purchase more sperm, we will try Shorty then. She may get pregnant the first time...who knows :-)

left side....again

So for the second month in a row I am ovulating on the left side, ugh. This is so frustrating and emotionally draining. The 90 min drive home after hearing that news is never a good one. We are thinking of our options and trying to figure out what we want to do. We are going to try once again next month. This time, though, we are going to do a higher dose of clomid, schedule an ultrasound for day 12, and if we are on the right side then we will do a trigger shot. That will basically give the dr's a more accurate window of ovulation, about 36 hours. So after the trigger, we will return the next day or so to do the IUI. We are also going to look into having Shorty carry. We do have an advantage since we technically have 2 uteri to carry babies. However we get a baby, we just want to be parents (though it does need to be legal!) lol *sigh* so for now, just yet another 2ww until my cycle starts again, then a 2ww after that to see if we are right sided. ugh

january update

So, we did get to do an ultrasound on Monday...had amazing follicles! One was 30 one was 26, optimal for inseminating and lining was 12...perfect...and on the LEFT side...seriously???? this is why we do an ultrasound so that we aren't just guessing and hoping. We now have only had 2 official insem attempts, but have been working at it for 5 months. *sigh* trying to stay positive is difficult but we want this so much that we have to be. Try again next month...lets hope that the clomid is now syncing with my body and the follicles will be on the right and as big as they were in January...fingers crossed!

happy new year

ugh...as usual nothing is easy with ttc! we have to go to Medford for Shorty's carpal tunnel surgery on Wednesday...could we hope to have a pos opk on tuesday???? of course not! it had to be today, a holiday and the day before a federal holiday....ugh!

paged the Dr this morning and she said "well, i hate to say it but we may not be able to do it this month with the holiday" seriously????? We missed last month bc I ov early (don't know left or right) and with every other month a no go bc of the blocked tube....we can't afford not to try! but...it's a $500 shot in the dark without an ultrasound....omg I hate being in this predicament!